The “Almost” Perfect Noseclip: A Love Story Gone Wrong

Ah, the “almost” perfect noseclip—the one that feels right, looks great, and for some reason… leaks just a tiny bit from one nostril.

Are you the one for me?

At first, you convince yourself it’s fine. No relationship is perfect! Maybe you just need to adjust a little—shift it left, then right. Tighter. Looser. Maybe if you hold your breath differently or change the way you warm up, it’ll finally work out.

Nothing helps.

But instead of accepting reality, you commit harder. You’ve already invested months into this clip. What kind of person just throws away a perfectly good noseclip over one tiny flaw?

So you keep diving together, ignoring the red flags (or in this case, the delayed equalisation of your left ear). You tell yourself, ‘Maybe I just need to change. Maybe the problem is me.’

Until one day, mid-dive, as you feel the ever-so-familiar trickle of salt water tickling your nasal cavity, you finally break up with your noseclip.

You throw it in the depths of your freediving bag, wondering why you didn’t leave sooner.

💔 Moral of the story? If it leaks from Day 1, let it go. He's (it’s?) not going to change for you honey. Find yourself a noseclip that truly seals the deal. 😆🌊

How to Pick the Perfect Noseclip (Without Losing Your Sanity)

Ah, the humble noseclip—that tiny piece of gear that determines whether your dive is smooth and graceful… or an epic battle between you and your eustachian tubes. Choosing the right one isn’t just about function—it’s about personality.

🔹The “Too Tight” Clip: Guarantees your nostrils stay shut with the unrelenting grip of a Bastille dungeon torture device—but also ensures you exit the water looking like you’ve been in a bar fight. Bonus: free tears!

🔹 The “Too Loose” Clip: feels tight-ish when breathing up but loats gently off your nose the moment you duck dive, desirous of its own adventures toward the ocean floor. RIP, buddy.

🔹 The “Ultra-Aesthetic” Clip: Comes in sleek colors and a designer pouch. Costs more than your first wetsuit. Loses all grip when wet. Relegated to posing on a rock in your merman leggings.

🔹 The “DIY” Clip: Two clothespins and some duct tape. Bold. Questionable. Risky.

🔹 The “Online Bargain” Clip: The same shape and color as the expensive alloy model, but at a fraction of the price. You buy three for yourself and ten for your buddies. First dive—it works! Yewww, you feel like you’ve beaten the system. Two dives in—hmm the tension is a little looser. By dive four, it blows off your honker on your third pack, and your unbeatable deal is now just expensive aluminium.

The perfect noseclip should be secure, comfortable, and not require a second mortgage. Try different ones, accept that you’ll lose a few, and remember—at the end of the day, it’s just a tiny piece of plastic or metal stopping you from drowning in your own airways.

Choose wisely. Breathe freely. And always bring a spare.